Vanity Autumn Jackson

I think Autumn Jackson is the absolute coolest name a Black woman can have. It's expressive and nondescript at the same time. Wait...why only a Black woman? Anyone could have this name and it would be so, so cool! Where did this crazy thought come from? Well, I was jogging and I mistakenly put in an Air CD instead of the one of my fast-paced The Running Man mix CDs, so I was contemplating instead of grooving to the beat. Back in elementary school I had a puppy love crush on a girl named Autumn Jackson. The name was funktional even way back then. So, of course I googled it when I got home and found out it's also the name of the woman who tried to extort Bill Cosby. So, uh...yeah, that's great. It's clear that I have nothing to say tonight.

Wait, I take that back. I was talking to my boss about cartoons because he's a big cartoon and comic book fan. He says that Snorks came before Smurfs, as evidenced by the Smurfs' hats which have that strange forward bulge. He believes the Smurfs are hiding the snork remnant proboscis (or whatever) under that hat. He also said that there were exactly 100 Smurfs. I don't remember that, but then again I thought the Smurfs sucked.

Except for Vanity Smurf. That dude was G. The high, feminine and lilting voice. The hand mirror. And the flower in the hair, baby! But imagine if the Smurfs were a new cartoon for 2005. There would be a total uproar over "gay" Vanity Smurf. It's so true. That Parents Television Council would challenge the inclusion of the character and rail on and on about how Vanity Smurf is an attempt to corrupt the morals of our children when really it's a lesson in tolerance because Hefty Smurf was cool with Vanity Smurf and who knows, maybe they liked to spend their free time together. And so many people of my generation probably don't even remember Vanity Smurf so it really doesn't have an impact, anyway. So, my boss and I thought of that dumb little Spongebob hubbub and realized that, as minor as the issue is, it still signifies a step backward for U.S. society.