Clever Words from a Clever Man

I'm on 24, so I didn't see all that much Johnny Carson. Maybe my parents didn't even let me stay up that late back then. But I've seen some episodes and some monologues and I had a bit of respect for him. Enough to want to read all of the tributes and obituaries. While scouring them I found this reprinting of a monologue. Kinda funny, but I completely forgot where it came from. I apologize to you out there, but read and enjoy. Thanks Johnny Carson.

A Carson monologue given as a tribute to the newly-fallen Soviet Union in 1991, with "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" played in the background:

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ...

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ...

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head — this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle. I thank you.